Sorting old papers, I found this about avoiding relationship pain, and wanted to share it.
I would love to acknowledge the source, if anyone knows where it comes form.
GOING INTO A RELATIONSHIP
The purpose of a relationship is to co-operate in the game of life.
Rather that "I can't live without you," it should be "I don't need you but it sure is fun to have you share in the game of life."
Love is not a basis for involvement with someone, irrespective of what the story books tell us. If you really know how to love, there are 4 billion people in the world to love. If love is the basis of your involvement, then you are sick, as most of us are who are starved for love, that we grab the one and only thing God has sent us, we think. Romantic love is the root of total failure of a relationship.
Choose someone who likes to play the same games as you do, keep it all as a preference and not an addictive demand. Take whatever you get, you can't win them all. Only addictions cause suffering, you can't hurt each other.
Honour the relationship and use it for growth. If you addictively demand or need the relationship, you are in trouble and carry the seeds of its termination, If you are leaning on someone and they move away, you will fall down. If you get into a relationship to prove yourself, you are sick and so is your partner. It is only when you don't need, but want a relationship, that it will be successful. Don't have rigid models for your partner that they must meet, have lots of friends, lots of activities - really LIVE.
Use the relationship for your consciousness growth, but work on your head, don't addictively demand that your partner change to fit your models. Don't take on inner work on the other person's stuff unless asked. Don't get hung up on the results don't set models, everything is perfect!
If we enter a relationship expecting that it will make us happy forever, it is wrong and an illusion - it will only give you a chance to get in touch with your addictions. Only freedom from your addictions will make you happy.
To understand in a more scientific way the meaning of love and "I love you," it means that when I am with you, I get in touch with the part of me that is beautiful, capable and loving - it all lies within me. It will enable you to get in touch with the real you. You can't do this with words, it must be experienced. Get free of the illusions of romantic love.
A person can help you do two things - either to help you to resonate and/or to mirror you, and you have been crediting the mirror and not you. Take full responsibility for your selection, there are no mistakes. A relationship is either perfect for your enjoyment or for your growth. The idea that romantic love is a gift from God is only evading the responsibilities. Don't hunt for love or for relationships, work on yourself until you get to a level of skill where you can select properly on a higher level of consciousness.
The universe will provide you with a partner when you are ready - NOT ADDICTIVELY.
Tough words on relationship pain. I didn't edit it, just a straight copy.
Dr. Connie Peck wrote a very good book¹ in the 80’s “Controlling Chronic Pain.”
She describes several “traps” people can get into when dealing with this condition.
On page 21 in her chapter on the complaint-resentment-guilt vicious cycle, she writes...
” (Reciprocal resentments are) a normal response that typically occur in families in which one member is chronically disabled, regardless of the type of chronic illness, whether it be heart disease, cancer, stroke or chronic pain. This natural response again violates the notion that we have been taught concerning how we ought to respond to sick people (or from the pain patient’s view, how we ought to respond to those who sacrifice to care for us.) However, despite our best efforts, disruption of reciprocity usually takes over, resulting in this type of resentment. No matter what we are taught about selfishness we are basically selfish beings, and if our needs are not met for a long enough time, we react by harbouring resentment. This is an especially uncomfortable feeling precisely because it does violate our teaching. We consider such emotions unacceptable and facing them causes us discomfort and anxiety. Therefore we are prone to overlook or deny them. You may find, if you are honest with yourself, that you have done exactly that. Due to the discomfort of recognizing these feelings in yourself, you have never confronted them. It should be remembered though, that denial is a natural response to this situation. It is the rule, not the exception.
Nonetheless, this kind of resentful interaction causes not only emotional strain but physical tension as well, and muscle tension only further aggravates pain.”
The book is 180 pages of excellent stuff, on how to avoid or deal with scenarios such as this.
The subtitle reads..."From paranoid schizophrenic to apostle of mental health."
In the Recovery group, after months of avoiding contributing but after she felt accepted,
...an older Recoverer (Mary) said to me: "Joan, just who do you bloody well think you are, that others would be wanting to talk about you so much?"
She writes "that really reached me... insight was dawning."
One of the first things I remember working on was the Four Stabilizing Questions. These were the group's handy solution for cutting through any emotional upset. I am sure I used this 1-2-3-4 routine hundreds of times in those early years:- 1. What exactly am I troubled about? 2. Is it certain, probable or only possible? 3. How important is it? and 4. What should I do about it?
This seems to me to be a really useful process.
Our emotions are affected majorly by our chemistry, one important aspect of which is blood sugar regulation. Research³ published in 2014 showed correlation of this with aggression between partners.To a further page re hypoglycaemia
You can have your own page on this site, be anonymous if you prefer, and help other people or get useful opinions from other readers.
1. Dr. Connie Peck PhD. Controlling Chronic Pain. A Self Help Guide. Fontana/Collins 1982
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